ESRB Spoilarz the Crap Out of Heavy Rain

One of the most anticipated games for the PlayStation 3, Quantic Dream’s Heavy Rain has been doing a good job of being interesting by being mysterious. If you weren’t sure what the deal was with Heavy Rain then you’ll want to check out the ESRB’s detailed description of the game…which pretty much tells you everything (I’m exaggerating). Check out this 482-word description for more details…or don’t if you want to be surprised:

In this cinema-style action game, players control one of four main characters whose lives are altered by events surrounding the investigation of the Origami Killer, a serial killer who kidnaps children in public places. Gameplay consists of controlling a character in a fully interactive environment; choosing a variety of action-, dialogue-, and decision-paths based on on-screen prompts; and watching as cinematic cutscenes progress the somewhat dark (film noir-style) storyline.

Players may encounter victims at various crime scenes: a woman (fully clothed) in a bathtub tainted with blood; a child under forensic examination (though the scene is largely narrative and clinical, with no depiction of victim’s face or signs of trauma). More direct depictions of violence include the following: a woman squirming and screaming as she catches on fire; a man impaled in the chest with a power drill; a female attacked in her own home by masked male assailants (the scene is prolonged); and a man shot (shown in slow-motion) by police officers. Blood sometimes accompanies the acts of violence—whether triggered or viewed passively.

The most intense instance of violence occurs during a “lizard trial” sequence in which players’ character, Ethan, is forced to cut off a segment of his own finger to save his son’s life: Several instruments (saw, scissors, knife, etc.) can be used to remove the finger; and though the camera pans away from the actual dismemberment—instead the blade, the blood, the scream—the scene’s poring focus on Ethan’s psychological tenor/terror (the dread deliberation before the cut) may be unnerving for some.

The game contains sexual content and nudity. Shower cutscenes may depict a male character’s bare butt; if players control the female character, her breasts and buttocks are also briefly visible. A more prolonged instance of nudity occurs during a female character’s investigation of a seedy club owner: After getting him alone in a room, the player-character is asked to strip; at gunpoint, she dances topless in front of the man. The game also contains a prompt-based love scene (kissing and rubbing) in which players match on-screen cues to angle characters’ mouths, remove shirts and blouses, unhook bras, and lower to the floor; a woman briefly appears topless amidst the dark shadows and heavy breathing—actual sex is never depicted as the camera fades to black.

The camera does not fade on characters addicted to the fictional drug Triptocaine, referred to as “dope” in the game: Players may see a character trembling next to open vials; lines of cut white powder on a table; and a man staggering from the drug’s ill-effects, as the screen turns blurry. Consumers may also wish to know that the game contains strong profanity (e.g., “f**k,” “motherf**ker,” “sh*t,” and “a*shole”). Overall, the game’s highly evolved motion-capture graphics (advanced renderings by 2010 standards) sharpen the sense of realism, increasing the impact of some aspects of pertinent content (the nudity, blood, violence, etc.).

I guess I don’t have to play the game after reading all of that…just kidding.

Thanks to Jubjub for sending this in!

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NPD Console Sales Figures Top 10 Games of December 2009

NPD Group has released its console software sales information for December 2009. What were the big holiday games? Let’s find out!

  1. New Super Mario Bros. Wii (Wii): 2,820,000
  2. Wii Fit Plus (Wii): 2,410,000
  3. Wii Sports Resort (Wii): 1,790,000
  4. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (Xbox 360): 1,630,000
  5. Call of Duty: Moden Warfare 2 (PlayStation 3): 1,120,000
  6. Wii Play (Wii): 1,010,000
  7. Mario Kart Wii (Wii): 936,1000
  8. Assassin’s Creed II (Xbox 3600: 783,100
  9. Left 4 Dead 2 (Xbox 360): 728,500
  10. Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story (Nintendo DS): 656,700

As my favorite Irish bartender in New York would say, “Jaysus Christ!” I know a lot of you are Nintendo haters, but look at those numbers. Wouldn’t you love to have stock in the company?!? Ridiculous.

In other news, Activision continued its success with Modern Warfare 2 and Ubi posted some nice numbers with Assassin’s Creed II. Still, it’s hard to look at the list and not be floored by Nintendo’s performance.

Now kindly chanel your inner Michael Pachter and analyze this (please)!

NPD Hardware Sales Figures for December 2009

NPD Group has issued its console hardware sales data for December 2009. Capping off the year and the extremely lucrative holiday-shopping season, this is an extremely vital sales period. Let’s see how Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony performed.

  • Wii: 3,810,000
  • Nintendo DS: 3,310,000
  • PlayStation 3: 1,360,000
  • Xbox 360: 1,310,000
  • PlayStation Portable: 654,700
  • PlayStation 2: 333,200

Okay, tell me again how the Nintendo Wii is a fad? It has been whomping the competition for years and posted ridiculous numbers in December. Microsoft and Sony would kill for these “fad” numbers. As for those guys, both companies did well in December and should be proud of the numbers. In the pointless fanboy argument, the difference wasn’t really notable. Sony will have to hustle in 2010 to close the gap between the PS3 and Xbox 360.

What do you think of NPD’s December 2009 console sales figures? Any surprises? Any predictions for the new year?

Top 10 PSN Games of December 2009

Sony has revealed the top 10 PlayStation Network games of December 2009. It’s an interesting list with some obvious winners (Final Fantasy VIII) and some surprises. Check it out!

  1. Final Fantasy VIII
  2. PixelJunk Shooter
  3. Final Fantasy VII
  4. Resident Evil: Nemesis
  5. Resident Evil 2
  6. Frogger Returns
  7. Call of Duty Classic
  8. Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned (Borderlands DLC)
  9. Marvel vs. Capcom 2
  10. Battlefield 1943

Frogger Returns?!? Returns from what? Why didn’t he stay there?

Anything on the list surprise you?

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New Final Fantasy XIII Trailer with English Voice Actors!

This excellent Final Fantasy XIII trailer features oodles of cutscenes with the English voice actors. Towards the end there’s more gameplay footage. Leona Lewis “My Hands” can be heard throughout the clip. It’s awesome. Watch it!!!

(Not a) Review of Dragon Age: Origins Return to Ostagar DLC

[Update 7:52PM PT: The DLC has been pulled because of a bug in the title update.]

Warning: This (not a) review of Dragon Age: Origins Return to Ostagar contains spoilers. Read it at your own peril. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to it! Return to Ostagar is BioWare’s first bit of Dragon Age: Origins downloadable content since launch. It’s currently available on Xbox 360 for 400 Microsoft points, with PC and PlayStation 3 versions hitting later this month. The DLC lets you revisit Ostagar, the location of the game’s first major (and tragic) battle. Here are some observations and opinions (not a review!) on the DLC.

In terms of gameplay, you’re getting less than an hour per run. Most of you will be able to finish the whole thing in less than 45 minutes. It can take a little over an hour if you like to explore every nook and cranny of each area (or if you suck at games).

As I mentioned in the intro, you get to return to a war-torn version of Ostagar, where King Cailan and the Grey Wardens were slaughtered by the darkspawn. The setup is hackneyed, but it gets you to where you’re supposed to go and gives you a goal. As you progress, you see some flashbacks, learn more about Cailan’s dealings, and retrieve the dead king’s weapon and armor. While I had fun in my two runs, most of these features were mildly disappointing. Here’s why:

  • Cailan’s Gear Sucks — If you’re playing this after you’ve beaten the game, chances are you have the blood dragon armor and Starfang. They make Cailan’s armor and King Maric’s sword look wimpy. I suppose you could use them for your secondary warrior, but if you’re playing the game with two warriors then you’re doing it wrong.
  • Depth by Codex — You uncover a set of documents that detail Cailan’s dealings with the Orlesians. They’re interesting and they add intrigue. Unfortunately, it’s all text. I could have gotten the same information and entertainment via email. In fact, if you know someone that loves Dragon Age but is short of cash then you should transcribe these codex entries and send them to your pal via email. That would be a thoughtful gift. And also, Arl Eamon is a dick (another *spoiler*!!!).
  • Sexy Time — Finding Cailan’s corpse leads to a pretty powerful scene, particularly if Alistair is in your party (more on that later). However, the music used in the flashback sounds too similar to the love-making music in the game. Using a similar melody for mourning and sexy time is just…creepy.

The good news is that there are some other items you come across that are pretty cool. Here are some of my favorites:

  • Nug Crusher — This hammer has a cool +100 stamina bonus.
  • Repeater Gloves — A nice set of gloves for ranged combatants.
  • Duncan’s Sword and Dagger — As shown in the trailer, you get to tackle the ogre that offed Cailan and apparently (*wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*) killed Duncan. These weapons are much better than the crap that Cailan had…which leads to a few interesting questions. What was up with Cailan’s weaponsmith and armorer? Did he just suck? Why didn’t Cailan pay Wade a ton of money to make better gear? As Will Ferrell said in Blades of Glory, “It’s mind bottling.”

For the record, I played through the DLC twice. The first time I was accompanied by Alistair, Leliana, and Wynne. This is definitely the way to go. The dialogue between Alistair and Wynne is great, particularly a sexually charged (and gross) bit at the end. My second run was with Oghren, Shale, and Morrigan. Oghren had a few lines, but they didn’t really add anything. The other two characters were mostly silent. I was especially disappointed that Shale didn’t have more to say. [Edit: Just finished a third run with Wynne and “secret character”. Their conversations are also excellent.]

For $5, Return to Ostagar is a pretty poor value. BioWare’s launch DLC offered important features that you could enjoy throughout the entire game. The Stone Prisoner gives you Shale, arguably the most entertaining companion in the game, as well as a versatile warrior. Warden’s Keep gives you an amazingly useful storage chest and access to the best sword in the game. Return to Ostagar has its share of goodies, but nothing nearly as useful or entertaining.

Perhaps people that are still in the middle of their first run or those starting the game for the first time will get more out of Return to Ostagar. While I definitely enjoyed my time with the DLC and will surely play it again, I can’t say it’s a “must buy”. Less than an hour of gameplay and gear that’s only above average for $5? If you really love the game and/or BioWare then knock yourself out. Otherwise, give it some thought before you drop your dough.

Pre-Order God of War III at 7-Eleven and Get a Cool Poster

Sony Computer Entertainment of America has announced God of War III pre-order promotion in conjunction with 7-Eleven. If you pre-order the game in the land of Big Gulps and Slurpees, you’ll get a nifty God of War III poster (pictured above).

It’s a nice promotion, but it got me wondering about the viability of 7-Eleven as a game retailer. I’ve never gone to the store for anything but unhealthy snacks. How about you? Have any of you purchased games at 7-Eleven?

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Japanese God of War Collection Trailer Shows PS2 vs. PS3

This nifty God of War Collection video from Japan shows footage of the same scenes on the PlayStation 2 and PlayStation 3. Plus, it’s always fun to look at this excellent series…especially in a foreign language. It’s like watching The Three Stooges in French — it’s just a whole other kind of brilliant.

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Square Enix Announces Final Fantasy XIII Bus Tour

Square Enix has announced that it will be kicking off a Final Fantasy XIII bus tour in San Francisco on (when else) the 13th of January. The company’s press release stated:

The bus is scheduled to make numerous stops in the San Francisco and Bay areas through January 16, loaded with a never-before-seen demo area of the North American version of Final Fantasy XIII. Locations will be revealed and updated through the Twitter site @PlayFFXIII (http://twitter.com/PlayFFXIII), so start following today!

If you’re luck enough to be in the Bay when it kicks off, please let me know if you get a chance to check it out! The whole thing makes me think of the excellent song “Lights” by Journey: “I want to be back, in my city by the Bay.”

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