Tag: American Idol

The American Idol 2011 finals have come down to two teenage country singers: Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery. In my top 10 rankings, I had them pegged at #7 and #6, respectively. Both of them raised their games and made it to the final round. Sadly, filthy pirate hooker Haley Reinhart fell short (after falling on her ass on stage). Who do you think will win American Idol 2011? Kindly vote and discuss.

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As for me, I don’t see how Scotty McCreery — aka Scotty McCreepy — can lose. Sure, he makes amazingly stupid faces and can only sing in one style (“BabyLockThemDoors“), but there are three reasons why I’m certain he’ll win.

1. A large portion of American Idol voters are teen girls and housewives. They love McCreepy. The young girls are attracted to his “aw shucks!” demeanor and deep voice. The older women are just being pervs.
2. The last three American Idol winners — David Cook, Kris Allen, and Lee DeWyze — have been dubbed “boring white guys with guitars”. Scotty is also a boring white guy with a guitar. The BWGWG trend is powerful and hard to stop.
3. Most importantly, the last two American Idol winners look like former videogame journalists. Kris Allen = John Ricciardi (ex-EGM). Lee DeWyze = Patrick Joynt (ex-GameSpy). McCreepy bears an uncanny resemblance to Giant Bomb’s Brad Shoemaker; they’re both fine young boys from North Carolina with disarmingly deep voices. The trend of American Idol winners resembling game journalists will surely continue.

As for Lauren Alaina, she reminds me of a young version of old Beverly D’Angelo. I’m not talking about the young and sexy Beverly. I’m talking about the older and larger cougar Beverly. She comes off as a sweet girl that lacks confidence. I feel bad that some people refer to her as Ceiling Fat and that she’ll likely lose…but not that bad.

Anyway, I’m going with Scotty McCreery as this year’s Idol winner. How about you? Kindly vote and discuss!

I was all set to write about American Idol’s “Top 10”, but Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, and Steven Tyler used the judges’ save this week. Instead of 10 singers on the American Idol summer tour, there will be 11. It’s coming down to the wire and I wanted to rank the last 11 contestants. Let’s go!

1) Paul McDonald — This guy is completely awesome. His voice is so unique — as if he were the love child of Bob Dylan and Rod Stewart. He dances like a total spaz and it’s completely amusing. He’s more comfortable with his guitar, but I miss his chicken-like flailing when he uses it. More seriously, Paul has a great smile and is handsome. I’m sure he’ll do well with ladies of all ages. If America is still determined to vote for boring white guys with guitars (Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze) then he should automatically win. I seriously doubt he’ll take the prize — his voice is unique, but pretty weak and uncontrolled — but I’m going to keep voting for him until he’s booted off the show. Also, he gets bonus points for being a pro-wrestling mark.

2) James Durbin — Another pro-wrestling mark, Durbin has a powerful voice and can belt out screams like a poor man’s Adam Lambert. He’s confident and knows how to work the stage. Due to his asperger’s syndrome, he makes all sorts of funny faces when he’s not singing. If he loses, it’s because America is weirded out by his weird squinting and random eyebrow raising. Rockers have done well recently, with David Cook and Lee DeWyze winning the competition. If the trend continues, Durbin’s chances should be good.

3) Pia Toscano — I went to high school with this girl…or girls like her. She’s pretty much what I think of when I hear the word “guidette”. There are millions like her in New York. Pia has a really powerful voice and is very polished on stage. That said, she’s kind of boring. She’s belted out great ballads, but hasn’t done anything with mid-tempo or up-tempo songs. If she can take faster numbers and show great stage energy that complements her powerful voice, she has a great shot at winning.

4) Casey Abrams — The judges are super high on this guy…and I’m not sure why. Casey has a unique voice, but often overdoes it with growls and angry faces. He’s certainly the most musically interesting and daring contestant this year, but he lacks star power. At best, he looks like some hack barista or a stock boy at Home Depot. At worst, he looks someone you wouldn’t want your niece to be alone with. He’s probably going to get some sympathy votes for finishing last and being awarded the judges’ save. That “scene” was awesome btw — he was cursing on national television, had a seizure, and fell to his knees as he was hugging Ryan Seacrest. It looked like he was trying to get into Seacrest’s pants.

5) Jacob Lusk — This guy has the most powerful voice in the competition. He brings a lot of soul and gospel-infused vocals, but (until this week) he hasn’t shown much control. You can tell that he wants to belt out everything at 11, even when the song doesn’t call for it. I’m not sure if he’s gay, but he’s definitely effeminate. America has shown that it will vote for boring white guys (Kris Allen) over talented gay men (Adam Lambert). I expect him to yell his way out of the competition. If not, homophobes will get rid of him.

6) Scotty McCreery — I love this kid. He looks like Alfred E. Neuman and his crazy deep singing voice reminds me of Giant Bomb’s Brad Shoemaker (I’m convinced they’re related. I’ve told Brad this.). He’ll do well with voters that love country music — and Idol has lots of those — but he’ll probably be voted off during a week where the songs don’t fit his style. For example, this week he butchered a Stevie Wonder’s “For Once in My Life” by tunring it into country. I’m excited to see how he’ll country-fy Elton John next week.

7) Lauren Alaina — This young lady seems to be on the decline. She showed early promise with rocker vocals, but she’s been really flat over the last few weeks. She reminds me of a poor man’s Allison Iraheta. The judges, particularly Steven Tyler, seem high on her, but I don’t expect Lauren to make the top five.

8 ) Stefano Langone — This guy has the looks and the voice, but he seems caught up in his own little world. It’s hard to connect with the audience — and get votes — when it looks like you’re singing in the shower. His looks will keep him around for a little bit, but I don’t expect him to last long.

9) Thia Megia — An obvious product of Filipino stage parents, 16-year old Thia is adorable and has a great voice. She’s also extremely boring and can’t do anything other than ballads. In five years I expect her to be singing in theme parks and on cruise ships, making people wonder, “She has such a lovely voice. Why isn’t she doing better?” Like Stefano, she just can’t connect with the audience. I shouldn’t be so hard on her future though. She’s only 16 and has plenty of time to find herself. On a side note, I love when the judges question whether the contestants know who they are as artists. This girl is 16. She doesn’t know who she is as a person, let alone a recording artist.

10) Haley Reinhart — I have a huge crush on Haley. She dresses like a filthy pirate hooker — shows lots of leg and cleavage. She can sing in adorably sweet coos or sexy growls, but can’t quite bring it all together. She’s like a (really) poor man’s Christina Aguilera. She definitely lacks confidence and seems unsure of herself on stage. That will probably be her downfall. She has the potential to finish in the top five, but I don’t think she’ll make it.

11) Naima Adedapo — I love how American Idol showed videos of her working as a janitor at an arena. A quick Internet search shows that she’s also a dance instructor. Naima can definitely dance…but her singing has mostly been poor. The rumor mill says that she doesn’t get along with the other female contestants. She loses points for her voice, her BS background story, and hating on pro-wrestling. I hope she goes home next.

Anyway, those are my American Idol top 11 rankings. Let me know which contestants you like and which ones you hate. And vote for Paul!!!

American Idol is back with new judges Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)! Gone are the awesome Simon Cowell, the useless Kara DioGuardi, and the ineffective Ellen DeGeneres. Adding continuity and stability are everyone’s favorite dog, Randy Jackson, and Ryan Seacrest, the hardest working man in Hollywood. So what did I learn from the season premiere of AI? Check it out.

– Jennifer Lopez wasn’t what I was expecting or hoping for. She’s supposed to be this raging-bitch diva…but she was the sweet one — almost Paula-like. Hopefully this will change. I need her to have a bad day so that she can take it out on the contestants and her fellow judges. That would be immensely entertaining. Sweet J.Lo is not doing it for me at all — far too normal and polite (so far).

– Steve Tyler wasn’t what I was expecting or hoping for either. I wanted him to be “the Paula” in terms of acting drugged out and making spacey comments. Instead, he came off as a stable dude that was reasonable and having fun on the show. What the hell?!?

– Randy is…Randy. Ryan is the object of lust for millions of American housewives and cougars. I wonder if that fact disturbs him….

– As for the contestants, Robbie Rosen shall henceforth be known as Crippy Boy. This kid’s sob story is that he was in a wheelchair at age five, but he appears to be fine now. After having homeless contestants and a blind guy, Crippy Boy’s sob story comes off as week. I hope America is tough on him.

– Ashley Sullivan believes that she can bring the Liza Minelli sound back to the mainstream. She deserves support just for thinking that’s a reasonable goal. I have to admit that living in a world driven by show tunes would be pretty amusing.

– There are 15-year olds now. The one that passed seems like an annoying 15-year old. Big surprise.

– The gag auditions included an 18-year old boyscout, a woman from the Ivory Coast with a thick accent that nearly overshadowed her horrid voice, and a Japanese dude that horribly sang a horrible Miley Cyrus song while busting out Michael Jackson dance moves. Personally, I would have given the Japanese cat a pass for ironically singing a song he didn’t like and performing a passable version of MJ’s signature steps.

– There were a few cute 16-year old contestants that made me feel dirty. Brielle Von Hugel was probably my favorite. She trotted out her father that battled throat cancer for her sob story. More importantly, she sounded like every girl I’ve ever met from Staten Island.

– Overall, the show was missing Simon’s snap, but the new judges did okay. I was also disappointed that the New Jersey auditions didn’t have more people the resembled Snooki or The Situation…though I suppose that’s more of a South Jersey thing.