Mariah Carey vs. Nicki Minaj on American Idol

I knew that putting two batsh*t-crazy women on the American Idol judging panel was a good idea! Here’s a video of Nicki Minaj cursing out Mariah Carey during the American Idol audtions in Charlotte, North Carolina (aka Ric Flair country). Minaj was pretty intense and her tirade featured an impressive curse-words-per-minute ratio. Carey tried to play it cool, dismissing Minaj’s behavior as childish. If these two are having problems during auditions, I can’t wait to see what they get up to during the big shows. They’re a live TV disaster waiting to happen! Love it!!!

American Idol 2013 Judges Finalized

The judges for the next season of American Idol have been finalized! Providing insights, entertainment, and (hopefully) insanity in 2013 will be Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj, and Randy Jackson. With the show’s popularity waning, the producers decided to spruce things up with a new set of judges. (Though they couldn’t get rid of Randy Jackson. He must have naked photos of Nigel Lythgoe.)

AI was never able to replicate the drug-addled wonderfulness of Paul Abdul, who left the show in 2009. There’s an extremely high chance that the duo of Carey and Minaj will make the show more insane than it has ever been. The potential for awkward awesomeness is off the charts!

Check out the photo of the new judges below and let me know what you think of the American Idol 2013 team (please!).


Jeffrey “Osang” Soliven Rocks X-Factor Phillipines

Osang is better than anybody I’ve seen on American Idol in the last five years. This transgender contestant rocks Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” and goes in an entirely different direction with Shaggy’s “Mr. Boombastic“. Underneath Osang’s effeminate facade is a hard-rocking power singer with enough versatility to tackle reggae grooves. Watch this video (please) and become a witness to Osang taking over the world (well…at least Southeast Asia).

Mariah Carey Getting $18-Million to Judge American Idol?

Mariah Carey recently revealed that she’ll be judging American Idol season 12. Rumor has it that she’ll be getting around $18-million for her criticisms and insights (and insane ramblings). According to People:

“Her deal is rumored to be just under $18 million for one year with an option to renew,” a source familiar with the negotiation tells People.

Season 12 should be quite a departure from the previous two, with Jennifer Lopez and Steve Tyler leaving the show. Mainstay Randy Jackson, the only original judge left, is rumored to be on the fence about returning. While I miss Simon Cowell’s acerbic wit and Paula Abdul’s drug-addled nonsense, Jackson was always the show’s glue. I can’t imagine AI without Randy’s overuse of the word “dog”, as well as his abuse of “blowing it out of the box” and “in it to win it!!!”.

What do you think of Mariah Carey joining American Idol? Any suggestions for a judge that would complement her?


WGWG5: Phillip Phillips Wins American Idol

Despite thousands (millions?) of Filipinos faking their IP addresses and using VoIP solutions to vote for Jessica Sanchez, Phillip Phillips won the 11th American Idol. P-Squared’s victory continues the streak of AI winners that can be described as white guys with guitars (WGWG). Teenagers and housewives love WGWGs, so I wasn’t surprised that Phillips became the fifth WGWG to win. What did surprise (and delight) me was that #WGWG5 was a trending topic on Twitter last night. That was awesome.

Congrats to WGWG5 Phillip Phillips!

American Idol Finale: Jessica Sanchez vs. Phillip Phillips

The finale for American Idol season 11 is set! In the blue corner is Phillip Phillips. Continuing the WGWG (white guy with guitar) phenomenon, Phillips is popular with the millions of teenaged girls and old housewives that watch AI. In the red corner is Jessica Sanchez. Genetically engineered to compete in talent contests, the artist also known as BB Chez has incredible talent and is backed by an ardent Filipino community. Who will win American Idol in 2012? Let’s break it down.

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Talent vs. Popularity: Sanchez is clearly the more gifted singer. There’s no question about it. Her range and power are phenomenal for a 16-year old. On a technical level, Phillips is very limited…but there’s no denying his popularity with the ladies. Do you believe America will vote for talent? Or will the frau and teenyboppers flood the phone lines with votes for the guy they lust after?

Genuine vs. Fake: As limited as Phillips is, his style is established and he knows what kind of artist he wants to be. There were several instances of Phillips refusing to pander to voters, judges, mentors, Tommy Hilfiger, etc. He’s definitely the more “real” of the two. Sanchez, on the other hand, is clearly the product of an overzealous stage mom. Her entire home-schooled life was about preparing for stardom. Her style and song choices are all over the place, which indicates that she’s unsure of the artist she wants to be…which makes complete sense because she’s so young that she doesn’t even know what kind of person she wants to be. I hate when she sheepishly says, “Thank you so much.” It comes off as fake, as if she’s replying the way her mother instructed her to. On a side note, being so sheltered and manufactured means that Sanchez will either become an incredibly bizarre adult (see Michael Jackson) or have a series of spectacular breakdowns (see Britney Spears).

As Performers: Between lifting his leg like a urinating male dog, feeling himself up when he doesn’t use a guitar, and those strange, strange faces he makes Phillips is an unusual performer. Like his musical style, his performances are established. You know what you’re getting with P-Squared and it feels genuine. BB Chez is totally lost in uptempo numbers. Her attempts at stage dancing and owning the audience seem silly. She totally owns when performing power ballads, but raise the beats per minute and she looks like a little girl performing in a high school talent show.

X-Factors: While the ladies love Phillips, his singing faces are so weird that they turn some voters off. Is he constipated? Is he passing kidney stones on stage? (He actually does have kidney stones, fyi.) It’s just…funky looking (not in that George Clinton way, but in that dog feces way). People in the Philippines are actually mobilizing efforts to vote for Sanchez. Being half-Filipino means millions of Internet votes using fake IP addresses. Sometimes I love the passion of my father’s people. Sometimes it’s embarrassing. In this case, I’m not sure how to feel.

The Winner Will Be: On paper, Jessica Sanchez should win. This is a singing competition. She’s the better singer. That said, there are some people that are put off by her manufactured nature and (sadly) there are many people in the middle of America that won’t vote for a non-white contestant. Ultimately, it comes down to the power of the WGWG phenomenon vs crazy Filipino voters.

Many have argued that the last four American Idol winners — David Cook, Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze, and Scotty McCreery — were not the best singers or performers in the competition. Many believe they won because teenagers and housewives love white guys with guitars. I’m biased against BB Chez and I fear the frau, so I’m going to go with Phillip Phillips.

How about you? Please vote in the poll above and pick the winner of the American Idol season 11 finale!

American Idol 2011 Finals Scotty McCreery vs. Lauren Alaina

The American Idol 2011 finals have come down to two teenage country singers: Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery. In my top 10 rankings, I had them pegged at #7 and #6, respectively. Both of them raised their games and made it to the final round. Sadly, filthy pirate hooker Haley Reinhart fell short (after falling on her ass on stage). Who do you think will win American Idol 2011? Kindly vote and discuss.

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As for me, I don’t see how Scotty McCreery — aka Scotty McCreepy — can lose. Sure, he makes amazingly stupid faces and can only sing in one style (“BabyLockThemDoors“), but there are three reasons why I’m certain he’ll win.

  1. A large portion of American Idol voters are teen girls and housewives. They love McCreepy. The young girls are attracted to his “aw shucks!” demeanor and deep voice. The older women are just being pervs.
  2. The last three American Idol winners — David Cook, Kris Allen, and Lee DeWyze — have been dubbed “boring white guys with guitars”. Scotty is also a boring white guy with a guitar. The BWGWG trend is powerful and hard to stop.
  3. Most importantly, the last two American Idol winners look like former videogame journalists. Kris Allen = John Ricciardi (ex-EGM). Lee DeWyze = Patrick Joynt (ex-GameSpy). McCreepy bears an uncanny resemblance to Giant Bomb’s Brad Shoemaker; they’re both fine young boys from North Carolina with disarmingly deep voices. The trend of American Idol winners resembling game journalists will surely continue.

As for Lauren Alaina, she reminds me of a young version of old Beverly D’Angelo. I’m not talking about the young and sexy Beverly. I’m talking about the older and larger cougar Beverly. She comes off as a sweet girl that lacks confidence. I feel bad that some people refer to her as Ceiling Fat and that she’ll likely lose…but not that bad.

Anyway, I’m going with Scotty McCreery as this year’s Idol winner. How about you? Kindly vote and discuss!

Ranking the American Idol 2011 Top 11

I was all set to write about American Idol’s “Top 10”, but Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, and Steven Tyler used the judges’ save this week. Instead of 10 singers on the American Idol summer tour, there will be 11. It’s coming down to the wire and I wanted to rank the last 11 contestants. Let’s go!

1) Paul McDonald — This guy is completely awesome. His voice is so unique — as if he were the love child of Bob Dylan and Rod Stewart. He dances like a total spaz and it’s completely amusing. He’s more comfortable with his guitar, but I miss his chicken-like flailing when he uses it. More seriously, Paul has a great smile and is handsome. I’m sure he’ll do well with ladies of all ages. If America is still determined to vote for boring white guys with guitars (Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze) then he should automatically win. I seriously doubt he’ll take the prize — his voice is unique, but pretty weak and uncontrolled — but I’m going to keep voting for him until he’s booted off the show. Also, he gets bonus points for being a pro-wrestling mark.

2) James Durbin — Another pro-wrestling mark, Durbin has a powerful voice and can belt out screams like a poor man’s Adam Lambert. He’s confident and knows how to work the stage. Due to his asperger’s syndrome, he makes all sorts of funny faces when he’s not singing. If he loses, it’s because America is weirded out by his weird squinting and random eyebrow raising. Rockers have done well recently, with David Cook and Lee DeWyze winning the competition. If the trend continues, Durbin’s chances should be good.

3) Pia Toscano — I went to high school with this girl…or girls like her. She’s pretty much what I think of when I hear the word “guidette”. There are millions like her in New York. Pia has a really powerful voice and is very polished on stage. That said, she’s kind of boring. She’s belted out great ballads, but hasn’t done anything with mid-tempo or up-tempo songs. If she can take faster numbers and show great stage energy that complements her powerful voice, she has a great shot at winning.

4) Casey Abrams — The judges are super high on this guy…and I’m not sure why. Casey has a unique voice, but often overdoes it with growls and angry faces. He’s certainly the most musically interesting and daring contestant this year, but he lacks star power. At best, he looks like some hack barista or a stock boy at Home Depot. At worst, he looks someone you wouldn’t want your niece to be alone with. He’s probably going to get some sympathy votes for finishing last and being awarded the judges’ save. That “scene” was awesome btw — he was cursing on national television, had a seizure, and fell to his knees as he was hugging Ryan Seacrest. It looked like he was trying to get into Seacrest’s pants.

5) Jacob Lusk — This guy has the most powerful voice in the competition. He brings a lot of soul and gospel-infused vocals, but (until this week) he hasn’t shown much control. You can tell that he wants to belt out everything at 11, even when the song doesn’t call for it. I’m not sure if he’s gay, but he’s definitely effeminate. America has shown that it will vote for boring white guys (Kris Allen) over talented gay men (Adam Lambert). I expect him to yell his way out of the competition. If not, homophobes will get rid of him.

6) Scotty McCreery — I love this kid. He looks like Alfred E. Neuman and his crazy deep singing voice reminds me of Giant Bomb’s Brad Shoemaker (I’m convinced they’re related. I’ve told Brad this.). He’ll do well with voters that love country music — and Idol has lots of those — but he’ll probably be voted off during a week where the songs don’t fit his style. For example, this week he butchered a Stevie Wonder’s “For Once in My Life” by tunring it into country. I’m excited to see how he’ll country-fy Elton John next week.

7) Lauren Alaina — This young lady seems to be on the decline. She showed early promise with rocker vocals, but she’s been really flat over the last few weeks. She reminds me of a poor man’s Allison Iraheta. The judges, particularly Steven Tyler, seem high on her, but I don’t expect Lauren to make the top five.

8 ) Stefano Langone — This guy has the looks and the voice, but he seems caught up in his own little world. It’s hard to connect with the audience — and get votes — when it looks like you’re singing in the shower. His looks will keep him around for a little bit, but I don’t expect him to last long.

9) Thia Megia — An obvious product of Filipino stage parents, 16-year old Thia is adorable and has a great voice. She’s also extremely boring and can’t do anything other than ballads. In five years I expect her to be singing in theme parks and on cruise ships, making people wonder, “She has such a lovely voice. Why isn’t she doing better?” Like Stefano, she just can’t connect with the audience. I shouldn’t be so hard on her future though. She’s only 16 and has plenty of time to find herself. On a side note, I love when the judges question whether the contestants know who they are as artists. This girl is 16. She doesn’t know who she is as a person, let alone a recording artist.

10) Haley Reinhart — I have a huge crush on Haley. She dresses like a filthy pirate hooker — shows lots of leg and cleavage. She can sing in adorably sweet coos or sexy growls, but can’t quite bring it all together. She’s like a (really) poor man’s Christina Aguilera. She definitely lacks confidence and seems unsure of herself on stage. That will probably be her downfall. She has the potential to finish in the top five, but I don’t think she’ll make it.

11) Naima Adedapo — I love how American Idol showed videos of her working as a janitor at an arena. A quick Internet search shows that she’s also a dance instructor. Naima can definitely dance…but her singing has mostly been poor. The rumor mill says that she doesn’t get along with the other female contestants. She loses points for her voice, her BS background story, and hating on pro-wrestling. I hope she goes home next.

Anyway, those are my American Idol top 11 rankings. Let me know which contestants you like and which ones you hate. And vote for Paul!!!

What I Learned From American Idol Season 10 NJ Auditions

American Idol is back with new judges Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)! Gone are the awesome Simon Cowell, the useless Kara DioGuardi, and the ineffective Ellen DeGeneres. Adding continuity and stability are everyone’s favorite dog, Randy Jackson, and Ryan Seacrest, the hardest working man in Hollywood. So what did I learn from the season premiere of AI? Check it out.

– Jennifer Lopez wasn’t what I was expecting or hoping for. She’s supposed to be this raging-bitch diva…but she was the sweet one — almost Paula-like. Hopefully this will change. I need her to have a bad day so that she can take it out on the contestants and her fellow judges. That would be immensely entertaining. Sweet J.Lo is not doing it for me at all — far too normal and polite (so far).

– Steve Tyler wasn’t what I was expecting or hoping for either. I wanted him to be “the Paula” in terms of acting drugged out and making spacey comments. Instead, he came off as a stable dude that was reasonable and having fun on the show. What the hell?!?

– Randy is…Randy. Ryan is the object of lust for millions of American housewives and cougars. I wonder if that fact disturbs him….

– As for the contestants, Robbie Rosen shall henceforth be known as Crippy Boy. This kid’s sob story is that he was in a wheelchair at age five, but he appears to be fine now. After having homeless contestants and a blind guy, Crippy Boy’s sob story comes off as week. I hope America is tough on him.

– Ashley Sullivan believes that she can bring the Liza Minelli sound back to the mainstream. She deserves support just for thinking that’s a reasonable goal. I have to admit that living in a world driven by show tunes would be pretty amusing.

– There are 15-year olds now. The one that passed seems like an annoying 15-year old. Big surprise.

– The gag auditions included an 18-year old boyscout, a woman from the Ivory Coast with a thick accent that nearly overshadowed her horrid voice, and a Japanese dude that horribly sang a horrible Miley Cyrus song while busting out Michael Jackson dance moves. Personally, I would have given the Japanese cat a pass for ironically singing a song he didn’t like and performing a passable version of MJ’s signature steps.

– There were a few cute 16-year old contestants that made me feel dirty. Brielle Von Hugel was probably my favorite. She trotted out her father that battled throat cancer for her sob story. More importantly, she sounded like every girl I’ve ever met from Staten Island.

– Overall, the show was missing Simon’s snap, but the new judges did okay. I was also disappointed that the New Jersey auditions didn’t have more people the resembled Snooki or The Situation…though I suppose that’s more of a South Jersey thing.

Kara DioGuardi Memoir Coming April 2011…Dear God

I’m not sure how I missed this — former American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir called A Helluva High Note! She was absolutely useless on the show and wrote one of the crappiest songs ever recorded (“No Boundaries”). That said, prior to Idol she was a successful song writer and producer. Here are more details from EW:

A spokesperson for It Books (a division of HarperCollins) confirms with EW that the songwriter/TV personality’s memoir, A Helluva High Note, will hit shelves on April 26, 2011. (The news was first reported by Radar earlier today.) The tome won’t only cover DioGuardi’s two-season stint on Idol, but also “her life and career as a producer, songwriter and artist,” according to an It Books publicist.

I might have to buy this for the unintentional comedy. There’s a good chance it will top Dave Batista’s Batista Unleashed for the highest concentration of unintentional idiocy per page. Anyway, enjoy Kara’s naked picture from Allure (above) and her crappy song (below).