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Inspired by the latest batch of Final Fantasy XIII-2 screens, I started thinking about what it would be like to have an FF animal as a pet. (Yes, I actually thought about this as if it were an actual possibility.) There are so many great ones to choose from! Whether you’re looking for a cuddly companion, a stalwart defender, or a pragmatic pet, the creatures of Final Fantasy have all the bases covered. Let’s take a look at a few before making our selections.
Chocobo — The highest-profile creature in the FF universe, Chocobo’s blend characteristics of birds, horses, and dogs. They’re loyal companions that are strong protectors and great for transportation. If you’re lucky enough to have a black chocobo, you can be transported over sea, air, and land. This is particularly useful for people with visa issues. Having a black chocobo means you can ignore borders and visit any country you want.
On the down side, the feathers are messy. They get everywhere. Chocobos are usually cute, but molting chocobos can be a nightmare. Then there’s the mating thing. Forget rabbits. They have nothing on chocobos. You can count on your chocobo being insatiably horny at least three times a year. When that happens, watch out!
Moogle — One of the cutest creatures in the world of Final Fantasy, moogles are more than just adorable faces. In various FF games, moogles have shown useful healing abilities and a penchant for delivering mail. These animals are a great choice for people that like to exercise; the aches and pains of a strenuous workout instantly disappear after a dose of moogle magic. (The rumor is that they can also remove any traces of steroids and HGH.) Moogle owners never have to use USPS, FedEx, UPS, or DHL everagain. Moogle Net is faster and more reliable than any of those service.
Unfortunately, moogles are a bit vain and prone to tantrums. Like the best looking girl in high school, moogles know that they’re awesome. They know that they’re cute and useful. If you don’t show a moogle enough attention then it will stop healing you and delivering your parcels until it feels like it’s being appreciated. They have incredibly useful abilities, but like they say in Thailand, “No money, no honey!”
Cactuar — These desert creatures are great for people looking for protection, as well as those that don’t have the time for a high-maintenance animal. Cactuars are incredibly sweet to their owners, but if they detect the slightest threat to the ones they love then thousands of needles will be launched unto assailants, both real and imagined. Young women that live in big cities will always feel safe with a cactuar by their side. As an added bonus, cactuars don’t eat and only require a bit of water every few weeks. Leaving on a business trip for a few weeks? Don’t worry, your cactuar will be fine on its own (though your sofa will probably be torn to shreds when you get back).
While cactuars are fierce defenders, they’re also poor choices for physically affectionate people. Trust me, you do not want to hug a cactuar. Hell, people have been sent to the hospital from simply trying to pet a cactuar. This is one of the rare cases when saying you love something is much better than showing it.
Tonberry — Another fine choice for people looking for protection, tonberry’s are great for older people that want to feel more secure. Equipped with deceptively powerful knives and lanterns, tonberries will slice your enemies to shreds and make the darkest alleyways bright as day. Unlike cactuars, tonberries are slow creatures and don’t require a lot of energy to tend.
Out of all the animals mentioned in today’s column, tonberries have the highest chance of killing their owners, by far. It’s not even close. Despite generations of breeding, there’s just something ingrained in tonberry DNA that makes it want to kill. It doesn’t even need a reason. Also, it’s weird that they all have knives and lanterns. After centuries of research, nobody knows why tonberries come equipped and where they get their gear. Some researchers believe that tonberry accessories have demonic origins. The world may never know the truth.
I Choose…. — Now it’s time for you too decide! Pick the Final Fantasy pet that you like best. And for the record, bahamuts were not included because…well, they just make crappy pets.
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