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Coffee Talk #632: On Samoan Thor

I finally watched Fast & Furious 6 and, as expected, had a marvelous time with the movie. As many of you know, I’m a big fan of the series. The late Paul Walker’s acting was mesmerizingly bad, but in a deceptively entertaining way. Vin Diesel gets my support for being the Iron Giant and Groot, as well as for being the biggest Hollywood star that play Dungeons & Dragons. As a lifelong WWE fan, I try to support all of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s movies. In addition to those three talents, the Fast & Furious series is just good, dumb fun.

While the vast majority of the movie was predictable, there was one scene that totally caught me off guard…continued

Welcome to Coffee Talk! Let’s start off the day by discussing whatever is on your (nerd chic) mind. Every morning I’ll kick off a discussion and I’m counting on you to participate in it. If you’re not feelin’ my topic, feel free to start a chat with your fellow readers and see where it takes you. Whether you’re talking about videogames, dissecting the 2014 NBA draft, Hope Solo’s attractive insanity, or Shawn LeBeef’s getting arrested during a performance of Cabaret, Coffee Talk is the place to do it.

While the vast majority of the movie was predictable, there was one scene that totally caught me off guard. Tej Parker (awesomely played by Ludacris) receives a phone call on his (completely product placed) Nokia. It’s from “Samoan Thor.” At first I thought it was some odd bit of Nokia product marketing infused with dry Finnish humor that was too smart for me. Then Tej says that it’s Hobbs (The Rock’s character). That short bit totally cracked me up in a true laugh-out-loud moment. Samoan Thor is a stellar nickname for any character portrayed by The Rock.

The bit was certainly funny, but it wasn’t that funny. Still, it’s odd that the Samoan Thor gag was one of my biggest takeaways from the movie. It totally killed me at the time and it’s something that I’m still thinking about days after I’ve watched Fast & Furious 6. The bit as even influenced my daily life. I recently added “Asika Hot Legs” to my Google Contacts. I’m thinking of nicknames for all of my friends and colleagues on my phone. While none of my puns or gags will be as funny as Samoan Thor, perhaps I can come close.

Anyway, I wanted to see if any of you have had Samoan Thor moments recently. Was there a bit in a movie that was “only” funny objectively but you found completely hilarious? Please share your tale in the comments section.

Coffee Talk #630: Remembering When Val Kilmer Was Cool

At E3 2014, I had a disturbing conversation with some…younger people about Val Kilmer. Some of the kids remembered him primarily for being a crap Batman in Batman Forever. A few of them knew him as “that funny guy in MacGruber.” Sadly, none of them were familiar with Val Kilmer in his prime. Going off of the photo below, it’s hard to believe that he was once one of the coolest people in Hollywood — especially for young kids and teenagers. Val Kilmer was the guy in movies that every kid wanted to be. Let’s use today’s Coffee Talk column to remember when Val Kilmer was cool…continued

Welcome to Coffee Talk! Let’s start off the day by discussing whatever is on your (nerd chic) mind. Every morning I’ll kick off a discussion and I’m counting on you to participate in it. If you’re not feelin’ my topic, feel free to start a chat with your fellow readers and see where it takes you. Whether you’re talking about videogames, what will happen to the Miami Heat’s Big Three, pregnant Stacy Keibler, or Khal Drogo playing Aquaman, Coffee Talk is the place to do it.

Val Kilmer got the world’s attention in the 1984 spy parody Top Secret! As a huge fan of the Abrahams/Zucker/Zucker movies (Airplane! had a profound impact on my outlook in life), the star of Top Secret! was automatically cool to me. He was hilarious and charming in the movie — kind of like Han Solo with the sarcasm dialed up to 11. 1985’s Real Genius is one of my all-time favorite movies, with Val Kilmer playing the coolest smart person that ever lived. His performance in the movie inspired thousands of kids to become super-nerds and go to college. While Top Gun has aged poorly (watch the Honest Trailer below), one thing that hasn’t changed is that Iceman will always be cooler than Maverick. Millions of moviegoers know this to be true. Let’s wrap up Val Kilmer’s prime with 1988’s Willow, a criminally underrated movie. Has there ever been a fantasy movie protagonist that was cooler, funnier, and sharper than Val Kilmer’s Madmartigan?!? Madmartigan pisses on Aragorn!

From 1984 to 1988, there wasn’t anyone cooler than Val Kilmer. People that disagree with this are either too young to know, haven’t seen movies from this era, or have highly questionable taste. It was borderline painful to hear young E3 2014 attendees dismissing Val Kilmer as a crap Batman. While there’s no denying that he…wasn’t very good in Batman Forever, his work prior to that film already cemented his coolness.

Out of curiosity, what was your favorite Val Kilmer role? Please let me know in the comments section!

Coffee Talk #626: Movies You’ve Erased From Your Memory

While discussing X-Men: Days of Future Past in the lovely RPadTV Google+ Hangout, RPadholic smartguy mentioned that he erased X-Men: Last Stand from his memory. This is a common — and often completely necessary — self-defense mechanism for moviegoers. Sometimes a film is just so traumatic that you have no choice but to deactivate the part of your brain where the movie lives. Under several layers of psychic defenses, you know that the movie exists, but for ~~all intensive purposes~~ all intents and purposes, it never happened. My question for you on this fine day is this: Which movies were so bad that you’ve…continued

Welcome to Coffee Talk! Let’s start off the day by discussing whatever is on your (nerd chic) mind. Every morning I’ll kick off a discussion and I’m counting on you to participate in it. If you’re not feelin’ my topic, feel free to start a chat with your fellow readers and see where it takes you. Whether you’re talking about videogames, rocking a V. Stiviano visor, super-hot Emma Watson graduating from Brown, or Roy Hibbert’s donut, Coffee Talk is the place to do it.

As some of you have probably guessed, Green Lantern is one of my “never happened” movies. As a huge fan of the comics, I was really excited for the movie…and incredibly disappointed by the piece of crap that was served up. Most of the casting choices were bad, a lot of the writing sucked, and the movie did a horrendous job of showing why Hal Jordan is such a compelling superhero. For general comics fanboys, the movie was awful. For Green Lantern fans, it was a soul-crushing experience.

Another movie that had to be erased from my brain is Rocky V. The series started off as a surprisingly strong boxing drama. The second movie was a little cheesier, but still true to the spirit of the original. The third and fourth films were ridiculous, but entertainingly so. Adding Survivor songs to the mix, featuring larger-than-life actors like Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, playing on Cold War fear, and making the fights insanely unrealistic totally worked — especially for teenage moviegoers and younger. My first reaction to Rocky V was, “What the *&%^ was that?!?” It ignored everything that was great about the first four films and amplified all of the weaknesses. It was the cinematic equivalent of a boxer hanging on for one fight too many. You’ll always remember the greatness, but the end was so bad that you try to forget that it ever happened (see Muhammad Ali vs. Trevor Berbick).

Now it’s your turn! Kindly name some movies that were so bad that you erased them from your memory.

Random Thoughts on X-Men: Days of Future Past

As a huge fan of the X-Men: Days of Future Past comics, I was excited for and scared of the X-Men: Days of Future Past movie. Obviously the movie was going to change the source material — some of the changes were for Hollywood reasons, some of the changes worked, and some of them will make millions of fanboys cry out in terror. Overall, I enjoyed the movie. It certainly has problems, but it’s fun enough that I can see myself watching it dozens of times on cable. Here are some random thoughts on X-Men: Days of Future Past. (Turn on your spoiler shields, please.)

Ch-ch-ch-changes: Going into the movie, I knew that things were going to be rearranged to feature Hugh Jackman and Jennifer Lawrence. They’re the two biggest stars in the X-Men movie franchise, so naturally the plot was altered to give them as much screen time as possible. Some purists will be annoyed that Wolverine was sent back in time instead of Kitty Pryde. While I love me some Ellen Page, I knew that wasn’t going to happen in Days of Future Past. The kids (and ladies) love Hugh Jackman.

One major change that bothered me was Kitty Pryde’s newfound TiVo powers. For some reason, Days of Future Past Kitty has the incredibly convenient superpower to transfer someone’s consciousness to the past. The scene where the future X-Men’s TiVo tactics are explained is pretty bad, topped of by the even worse idea that Wolverine can survive a multi-decade rewind because of his ~~copout~~ vaunted healing factor.

The ’70s Ruled: The movie alternates between a Dystopian 2023 and a completely awesome 1973. It was fun seeing bell bottoms, afros, garish polyester patterns, waterbeds, analog meters, reel-to-reel audio, etc. I’m pretty sure that the making of Days of Future Past caused a temporary shortage of polyester. As someone that has always been fascinated by the ’70s (disco, drugs, casual sex!), I loved the past scenes of this movie.

The Future Sucks: All nerd movies portray the future as dark and awful. Days of Future Past carries on that fine tradition. The bad news is that the future sucks for the X-Men and humanity in general. The good news is that the fight scenes are pretty sweet. Bishop, Storm, Colossus, Warpath, Sunspot, Iceman, and Blink don’t have a lot to do as far as advancing the narrative, but they’re featured in some awesome action sequences.

On a side note, I was totally embarrassed that I immediately recognized the actor that played Warpath as one of the werewolves from the Twilight movies. Oh well, at least I can admit it.

Hot X-Chicks: I’m always down with watching Jennifer Lawrence in body paint. In fact, one of my dream jobs is to work as the guy that applies her body paint and prosthetics. She’s a beautiful woman, but you already knew that.

I was pleasantly surprised by how cool Fan Bingbing looked as Blink. I’ve always loved this character. I don’t recall if Bingbing had any lines, but she made for an adorable real-life Blink and Days of Future Past made fun use of her powers.

Anna Paquin is in the movie for like 32 seconds and I would have loved more Ellen Page, but I’m totally not going to complain about hot Jennifer Lawrence and sexy Fan Bingbing. Whether it’s the past or the future, the X-Men have some hot chicks.

Excellent Use of Music: This movie will definitely win Academy Awards for “Best Use of Roberta Flack,” “Best Use of Jim Croce,” and “Best Use of the Theme From Sanford & Son.” I’m not sure if these awards actually exist, but they should.

Quicksilver Didn’t Suck: Going into Days of Future past, lots of fanboys were hating on the movie’s version of Quicksilver. Based off of stills from the set, he looked like crap. While he reminded me more of DC Comics’ Impulse than Marvel’s Pietro Maximoff, Quicksilver had a great scene that will make many moviegoers happy. Yeah, I could have done without the flippant line about his parentage, but his fight scene was very, very cool.

Tyrion Hates Mutants: Although I loved Peter Dinklage in The Station Agent before Game of Thrones came out, it’s hard to see him as anyone else but Tyrion Lannister. In Days of Future Past, he plays Bolivar Trask, creator of the mutant-hunting Sentinel robots. While I kept waiting for him to bust out an overly affected British accent, I appreciated his performance. The writing he had to work with was poor; the character was written as a paper-thin antagonist (i.e. science dick), but Dinklage manages to give Trask some depth.

Magneto’s a Dick: In the comics, many writers have portrayed Professor X and Magneto as the mutant equivalents of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X, respectively. In X-Men: First Class and Days of Future Past, I’m pretty sure that being the master of magnetism is Magneto’s secondary mutation. It seems like his answer to everything is, “I know, I’ll be a dick!” While it’s clear that he cares about his fellow mutants more than anything else, his actions lack thought and his plans generally suck. Then again, I’m happy that he did what he did to RFK Stadium. That place is a toilet.

About a Beast: Adult Nicholas Hoult weirds me out. He’ll always be the kid from About a Boy to me.

Bottom Line: I enjoyed X-Men: Days of Future Past, despite its problems. I wouldn’t say it’s a great superhero film, but it’s good fun. Compared to the comics, it’s a bit dumber and not quite as grim, though it certainly has some dark moments. As far as 2014 superhero movies go, it’s better than Spider-Man 2 and not as good as Captain America 2. It’s one of those flawed movies that I’ll happily watch several times when it’s in rotation on cable.

Having said that, I can see some comics purists hating this movie. Some of the flaws are dismissible, but there are some comics fans that won’t stand for the drastic changes to the source material. When you combine those changes with the movie’s other problems, the film won’t stand a chance with some hardcore comics fans. Those guys and gals can complain all they want and I get it, but I’ll happily watching Days of Future Past again and again in the hopefully-not-Sentinel-dominated future.

Guardians of the Galaxy Trailer #2 (I Am Groot!!!)

The first trailer for the Guardians of the Galaxy movie delighted and disappointed me. I was pleasantly surprised by how entertaining it was, but disappointed that Vin Diesel didn’t say, “I am Groot.” The second trailer for Marvel’s intergalactic summer spectacular is even better than the first. You learn more about the protagonists, see more action, and (finally) hear the first utterance of, “I am Groot.” On the negative side, ~~WWE Batista~~ Dave Bautista is seen “acting” in the trailer and, as most of you know, that guy pretty much sucks at everything.

Please check out Guardians of the Galaxy trailer #2 when you have a chance and let me know what you think!

Random Thoughts on Godzilla 2014

Last night I attended a screening of Godzilla. Here are some random and spoiler-free thoughts on the movie.

Growing up as an Asian-American kid in New York, Godzilla was one of my role models. The Toho monster was pretty much the coolest thing on television. I’ve enjoyed the evolution of Godzilla over the years…until that crap Matthew Broderick movie happened. It left me thinking, “This is why ~~white people~~ Americans should never make a Godzilla movie.” When I first heard about Godzilla 2014, I was excited and scared. A Godzilla film with a big Hollywood budget and modern special effects was tantalizing…but would American moviemakers get it right this time? Last night I was absolutely thrilled by Godzilla 2014. The movie is 123 minutes of brilliant special effects, breathtaking monster battles, epic destruction, and surprisingly good acting.

First thing’s first — the CGI in Godzilla 2014 is some of the best I’ve ever seen. The monsters and collateral damage are stunning. I saw the movie in IMAX 3D and while the 3D didn’t do much for me, I was beyond happy that I witnessed it on an IMAX screen accompanied by killer sound. If you’re on the fence about Godzilla 2014, I highly recommend giving it a shot in theaters. Even if you don’t end up liking it as a film, I guarantee that you’ll be dazzled by the CGI (appreciate of giant monsters is required, naturally).

As for the film itself, it delivered everything I want from a Godzilla movie and more. The battles are appropriately epic and it was great fun watching the kaiju destroy various parts of the world. While I was sad that my favorite bar in the universe got trampled on, I was giddy that Waikiki was destroyed. That place is awful — like the dullest parts of Irvine and Las Vegas mashed up. It was interesting to see that the movie followed the trend of visiting locations around the world in order to appeal to a broader audience. In this movie, you’ll get to go to Japan (duh), the Philippines, Hawaii, Las Vegas, and San Francisco. Perhaps some European cities will be demolished in Godzilla 2016 (I’m hoping for Helsinki).

The latest incarnation of Godzilla is the biggest yet, at a shade over 100 meters tall. While some longtime fans of the Japanese movies believe that this Godzilla is “fat,” I loved the way he looked. It’s a modern and more realistic take on the monster. He looks believable and familiar at the same time. Visually, it made the battles and destruction more impactful. Through advancements in filmmaking, the directors and CGI crews were able to create a breathtaking sense of scale.

The element of Godzilla 2014 that surprised me the most were the humans. Most Godzilla movies go something like this:

Boring human stuff, boring human stuff, AWESOME MONSTER FIGHT!!! Boring human stuff, boring human stuff, AWESOME MONSTER FIGHT!!! Boring human stuff.

One of the most impressive things about Godzilla 2014 is that a lot of the human stuff is really good. Sure, there are some overly dramatic scenes and a few instances of ridiculous anthropomorphism, but a good chunk of the story is very good. There were a few moments where I was so caught up in the drama that I forgot I was at the theater primarily for glorious monster battles.

That isn’t to say that all the acting was great and all the story elements were winners. The first half of the movie was far better than the second half as far as plot goes. Godzilla 2014 is initially driven by the excellent Bryan Cranston. He brings so much to the film. You feel his sense of loss, the pressure he feels for being viewed as a conspiracy nut, and how empty his life has become. The second half of the film is driven by Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Kick-Ass) and while he does have pretty blue eyes, they’re no substitute for the acting chops that Cranston brought to the film. Elizabeth Olsen is just hot. I melted a bit every time she was onscreen. Ken Watanabe was decent, but I’m still waiting for him to have a performance as great as the one he pulled off in The Last Samurai.

Really though, the human parts of the movie are all about context. As I enjoyed the human scenes in Godzilla 2014, I couldn’t help but think about Pacific Rim. When I reviewed the movie last year, only some of its human elements bothered me. Since it’s been on cable rotation, Pacific Rim seems dumber and dumber each time I watch it (the Honest Trailer didn’t help). Obviously some suspension of disbelief is required with Godzilla 2014, but it doesn’t have the nonsensical human elements of Pacific Rim that make it hard to rewatch (the robot vs. kaiju battles are still awesome). More importantly, the actors and writing in Godzilla 2014 are just superior to what Pacific Rim served up.

A few random bits:

There were times when I wanted to call the movie Kick-Ass, The Last Samurai, and the Hottest Olsen Sibling Watch Godzilla Destroy Stuff.
Kick-Ass’ character’s name is Ford. I found that a bit distracting. There were times I wondered, “Is his middle name Pinto?” and, “Why didn’t his father name him after a better car company?”
I found every scene with Sally Hawkins completely distracting. The way her hair and makeup were done, she looked like a human version of Sarah from Team America. That was just weird.

At the end of the night, I left the theater as the Asian-American kid that gleefully watched Godzilla movies on a black-and-white television in the kitchen. That’s to say that I very much enjoyed Godzilla 2014. It left me more than satisfied, relieved that American moviemakers finally got it right, and anxious for a sequel. The special effects were better than I dreamed they would be and in between the glorious monster skirmishes, there’s some nice acting (mostly Bryan Cranston) and writing. If you find monster battles and wanton destruction the least bit entertaining then you’ll absolutely love Godzilla 2014.

[For another take on Godzilla 2014, be sure to check out PaulSemel.com’s review.]

Channing Tatum as Gambit is…

In a recent RPadTV Google+ chat, RPadholic Tokz mentioned that Channing Tatum will be playing Gambit in an X-Men spinoff movie. My initial reaction was horror. While he’s an established Hollywood draw and attracts lots of female moviegoers, Channing Tatum is not a good actor. After thinking about the casting choice for a bit (more than a bit, actually, because my crap web server was down), I’m feeling pretty good about the casting decision. There are a couple of reasons why Channing Tatum as Gambit should work. After careful (not really) examination, I’m looking forward to it (also not really).

First off, Gambit is a crap character. In the comics, he started off as a cool thief with a unique Cajun background. Eventually, his backstory became way too complex and convoluted (a classic comic book mistake) to the point that the character became a bit ridiculous. At the end of the day, Gambit is a mutant Pepe Le Pew that throws kinetically-charged cards. That’s lame. Since Gambit is a crap character, it makes perfect sense for a crap actor to portray him. Channing Tatum is the perfect man for the job! (I’m half-kidding in this paragraph. While I think Gambit is a mediocre character, I’m exaggerating his craptitude just to rib Tokz.)

More seriously, I’m rooting for Channing Tatum. I think he can be incredibly entertaining in a Paul Walker kind of way. The late, great star of the Fast & Furious movies dazzled millions of moviegoers with his mesmerizingly bad acting. Tatum isn’t quite there yet. He still tries too hard and has delusions of grandeur of being nominated for an Academy Award. If Tatum embraces his formidable and natural ability to act poorly, he’ll carry the torch for Walker as the preeminent crappy actor of his generation. If and when he chooses to do, Hollywood will have a “special” talent on its hands.

Also, dude was in Coach Carter, one of the most criminally underrated movies made in the last 20 years. At the very least, everyone in the Coach Carter cast deserves immensely successful acting careers. At best, they’ll all be playing superheroes.

Okay, it’s your turn. What do you think of Channing Tatum as the X-Men’s Gambit? Will it work? Or will he just make a lame character even lamer?

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Coffee Talk #620: Dumbing Things Down For Movies and TV

Some purists of A Song of Ice and Fire had an issue with Oberyn Martell’s introduction in Game of Thrones s4e1. In the books, it’s implied that he’s bisexual. In the television show, he forcefully grabs a male prostitute’s junk. There’s a huge difference between subtle implication and ham-fisted delivery, but sometimes it’s necessary for the mainstream audience.

The debate over Oberyn Martell reminded me of another argument fans had about Game of Thrones Season 2. In the books, it’s implied that…continued

Welcome to Coffee Talk! Let’s start off the day by discussing whatever is on your (nerd chic) mind. Every morning I’ll kick off a discussion and I’m counting on you to participate in it. If you’re not feelin’ my topic, feel free to start a chat with your fellow readers and see where it takes you. Whether you’re talking about videogames, the glory of the Derek Jeter Retirement Tour, Katy Perry’s green hair, or getting amped for the NBA playoffs, Coffee Talk is the place to do it.

The debate over Oberyn Martell reminded me of another argument fans had about Game of Thrones Season 2. In the books, it’s implied that Stannis Baratheon is sleeping with priestess of R’hllor Melisandre. In the show, he full-on bangs her on his war table. Again, the information is conveyed in drastically different ways, but it’s arguably necessary.

For some reason, the two instances in Game of Thrones didn’t bother me. I didn’t like that subtlety was eschewed for heavy-handed delivery, but I didn’t hate it either. I get that subtlety is lost on some people and understand that the show’s directors wanted these bits of information made clear.

Having said that, I recall one instance where a change bothered the hell out of me. In the Watchmen comics, there’s a great sequence where Silk Spectre figures out that the Comedian is her father. Various memories come back to her and she pieces it all together. In the Watchmen movie, the same thing happens, but it’s punctuated by Dr. Manhattan saying, “The Comedian…is your father.” For whatever reason, that little addition pissed me off. It seemed so unnecessary. Are moviegoers really that dumb?!?

While I understand that book and comics writers can rely on readers’ imaginations, is it necessary for movie and TV directors to be so obvious? I’m not really sure. That’s where you come in! I’d love to hear your opinion on the matter and read some of your examples in the comments section. Does print have to be dumbed down when it’s translated into a movie or television show?

Separated at Birth: Scarlet Witch and Aerith Gainsborough?

I was psyched to see that io9 posted photos of Elizabeth Olsen as the Scarlet Witch from the set of The Avengers 2. I have high hopes for Ms. Olsen, as she’s on her way to supplanting her evil sisters as the best Olsen sibling in Hollywood. The news that she was cast as the Scarlet Witch was especially exciting. While I didn’t expect her to wear the ridiculous medieval swimsuit from the ’70s and ’80s comics, I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.

Apparently the costume designer from The Avengers 2 dropped by Final Fantasy VII and jacked Aerith’s clothes. Look at the red top and ridiculous boots! I half-expect her to cast “Holy” during the movie’s climax in order to thwart Ultron. The Scarlet Witch costume looks like a mashup of (mostly) Aereith and (a sprinkle of) Tifa!

Elizabeth Olsen’s version of the Scarlet Witch looks just like Aerith Gainsborough…to me, anyway. When you have a chance, check out the pics and give it some thought. Do you see the resemblance between Avengers 2 Scarlet Witch and FFVII Aerith? Or did somebody slip me crazy pills?

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Jem and the Holograms Live Action Movie Coming

My buddy Gus posted the best news I’ve heard all month — a live-action movie based on the Jem cartoon is being made! Director Jon M. Chu (GI Joe: Retaliation) and his partners made the “truly outrageous” announcement on YouTube this morning.

For those of you not familiar with Jem, the cartoon was about a rich music executive named Jerrica Benton. For an ’80s cartoon, it was surprisingly layered and complex. Let’s see if I can sum it up in bullet points. Continue reading “Jem and the Holograms Live Action Movie Coming”