American Idol is back with new judges Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)! Gone are the awesome Simon Cowell, the useless Kara DioGuardi, and the ineffective Ellen DeGeneres. Adding continuity and stability are everyone’s favorite dog, Randy Jackson, and Ryan Seacrest, the hardest working man in Hollywood. So what did I learn from the season premiere of AI? Check it out.
– Jennifer Lopez wasn’t what I was expecting or hoping for. She’s supposed to be this raging-bitch diva…but she was the sweet one — almost Paula-like. Hopefully this will change. I need her to have a bad day so that she can take it out on the contestants and her fellow judges. That would be immensely entertaining. Sweet J.Lo is not doing it for me at all — far too normal and polite (so far).
– Steve Tyler wasn’t what I was expecting or hoping for either. I wanted him to be “the Paula” in terms of acting drugged out and making spacey comments. Instead, he came off as a stable dude that was reasonable and having fun on the show. What the hell?!?
– Randy is…Randy. Ryan is the object of lust for millions of American housewives and cougars. I wonder if that fact disturbs him….
– As for the contestants, Robbie Rosen shall henceforth be known as Crippy Boy. This kid’s sob story is that he was in a wheelchair at age five, but he appears to be fine now. After having homeless contestants and a blind guy, Crippy Boy’s sob story comes off as week. I hope America is tough on him.
– Ashley Sullivan believes that she can bring the Liza Minelli sound back to the mainstream. She deserves support just for thinking that’s a reasonable goal. I have to admit that living in a world driven by show tunes would be pretty amusing.
– There are 15-year olds now. The one that passed seems like an annoying 15-year old. Big surprise.
– The gag auditions included an 18-year old boyscout, a woman from the Ivory Coast with a thick accent that nearly overshadowed her horrid voice, and a Japanese dude that horribly sang a horrible Miley Cyrus song while busting out Michael Jackson dance moves. Personally, I would have given the Japanese cat a pass for ironically singing a song he didn’t like and performing a passable version of MJ’s signature steps.
– There were a few cute 16-year old contestants that made me feel dirty. Brielle Von Hugel was probably my favorite. She trotted out her father that battled throat cancer for her sob story. More importantly, she sounded like every girl I’ve ever met from Staten Island.
– Overall, the show was missing Simon’s snap, but the new judges did okay. I was also disappointed that the New Jersey auditions didn’t have more people the resembled Snooki or The Situation…though I suppose that’s more of a South Jersey thing.