Welcome to Coffee Talk! Let’s start off the day by discussing whatever is on your (nerd chic) mind. Every morning I’ll kick off a discussion and I’m counting on you to participate in it. If you’re not feelin’ my topic, feel free to start a chat with your fellow readers and see where it takes you. Whether you’re talking about videogames, rocking a V. Stiviano visor, super-hot Emma Watson graduating from Brown, or Roy Hibbert’s donut, Coffee Talk is the place to do it.
While discussing X-Men: Days of Future Past in the lovely RPadTV Google+ Hangout, RPadholic smartguy mentioned that he erased X-Men: Last Stand from his memory. This is a common — and often completely necessary — self-defense mechanism for moviegoers. Sometimes a film is just so traumatic that you have no choice but to deactivate the part of your brain where the movie lives. Under several layers of psychic defenses, you know that the movie exists, but for all intensive purposes all intents and purposes, it never happened. My question for you on this fine day is this: Which movies were so bad that you’ve erased them from your memory?
As some of you have probably guessed, Green Lantern is one of my “never happened” movies. As a huge fan of the comics, I was really excited for the movie…and incredibly disappointed by the piece of crap that was served up. Most of the casting choices were bad, a lot of the writing sucked, and the movie did a horrendous job of showing why Hal Jordan is such a compelling superhero. For general comics fanboys, the movie was awful. For Green Lantern fans, it was a soul-crushing experience.
Another movie that had to be erased from my brain is Rocky V. The series started off as a surprisingly strong boxing drama. The second movie was a little cheesier, but still true to the spirit of the original. The third and fourth films were ridiculous, but entertainingly so. Adding Survivor songs to the mix, featuring larger-than-life actors like Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, playing on Cold War fear, and making the fights insanely unrealistic totally worked — especially for teenage moviegoers and younger. My first reaction to Rocky V was, “What the *&%^ was that?!?” It ignored everything that was great about the first four films and amplified all of the weaknesses. It was the cinematic equivalent of a boxer hanging on for one fight too many. You’ll always remember the greatness, but the end was so bad that you try to forget that it ever happened (see Muhammad Ali vs. Trevor Berbick).
Now it’s your turn! Kindly name some movies that were so bad that you erased them from your memory.
I’d like to add the animated Transformers: The Movie and the third Ninja Turtles movie.
No way! That 1986 Transformers Movie was completely memorable. Sure, there were some scenes from it that were retarded and just for mindless filler, but the movie was quintessential (pardon the pun) for the time. I’ll admit that it has not aged well (like most things from the 80’s) but you have to take it in context for what the movie was at the time.
You had your first truly “bad ass” scene that Optimus Prime ever had. You had the Dinobots kicking ass (literally) as well as serving as their usual comedic relief selves. It also had the first triple changer (Astrotrain) in animated form and still had room to feature the Insecticons, Devastator and ALL of Soundwave’s “cassette tape” minions. Sam and his son Daniel did a much better job of grounding the movie with humans way better than anything that Michael Bay has done. It introduced Galvatron, Unicron, Springer, Blurr, Ultra Magnus, Arcee and killed off Starscream as well as Optimus. The concept of “The Matrix of Leadership” was also introduced in this movie, which is a mainstay of Tranformers lore.
Sure, it was just made to sell new toys, but 80’s cartoon wasn’t? The bottom line is that the movie (although not great, especially by today’s standards) was necessary for the brand to grow and evolve. At worst, the movie was serviceable (to adults). There are plenty of older movies that have a right to be erased from history (like the live-action He-Man, Weird Science or Howard the Duck), but Transformers is not one of them. It was actually one of the better animated movies that came out during the 80’s (which is not saying much, but still…)
I will agree with you wholeheartedly with Turtles 3. I really thought they were all pretty bad, but compared to the third one, the first two (especially the first one) look like incredible woks of thespian art!
-M
You should watch the animated movie this week and try not to cringe at the annoying stupid humans or the dancing.
Or the music.
They’re less annoying than Shawn LeBeef.
I’m just going to put this here before Mr. Padilla beats me to it:
I know what you are talking about though. The Weird Al Yankovic song “Dare to be Stupid” was very out-of-place. I referred to it as “filler.” But that stupidity was balanced out by “The Touch” being in all the right places.
(That sounds dirty, but you know what I mean.)
-M
Transformers: The Movie is awesome simply for “The Touch” by Stan Bush.
I hate that song.
The first one that comes to my mind is X-Men 3. That movie was so bad that I decided to punish Fox by not watching First Class and The Wolverine. (I’m glad they learned their lesson.)
I was also very turned off by Spider-Man 3. The first one was OK, the second one was fine, but the third one just took a nose-dive.
I would also like to see Charlie’s Angels 2 gone as well as Freddy Got Fingered.
When I was a kid, the very first movie I can ever remember NOT enjoying was “Batman & Robin.” Before that movie, I pretty much liked everything I’ve ever seen in the theaters. I think it was because of that movie that I started hating George Clooney. (Uma Thurman got a pass because of Beatrix Kiddo and Schwarzenegger gets a pass because he’s the Terminator).
Superman Returns should also get a mulligan. Every time I think of that Superman, I think: This is probably the reason that N8 is a fan. It’s like the N64 Superman game, but only on the big screen.
-M
P.S: I would like to add: Screw you Joel Schumacher! You ruined my childhood!
N8 is a fan since birth. I seriously used to have a Superman suit on underneath my clothes every day for years of my childhood.
Besides, the real reason I’m a fan is because Superman would defrost Iceman from several yards away just by staring at him with heat vision.
If you have an Iceman suit on underneath your clothes, it’s not because your a fan, it’s because Miami gets CRAZY hot.
Iceman has the ability to turn his body into a gaseous (vapor) and liquid state.
That heat vision isn’t going to do crap against a cloud. Also, Superman had his ass beat to death by Doomsday. Iceman has never died (in any present story line). And even if Iceman isn’t technically as strong as Doomsday, he doesn’t have to be. All he needs is a little green rock and Supes is reduced to the strength of Spike Dudley.
-M
Freddy Got Fingered has about seven minutes of awesomeness. The birth scenes is fantastic. The scene also cracks me up because it’s so weird. http://youtu.be/8ZYrutVyZ-A
How the hell Rip Torn and Julie Hagerty accepted a role in this movie is beyond me. They must have been really hurting for money at the time is what I think. At what point did these two read the script and say: “Yes! This is fantastic! I must do this film!” ?
-M
I believe this was shortly before Torn was apprehended for trying to break into a bank because he was so wasted that he thought it was his home.
The Phantom Menace. I now watch Star Wars without that one ever. Crystal Skull. X-men 3 and the last two transformer movies.
If I erased them from my memory (like Total Recall… which I obviously HAVEN’T erased from my memory), how would I remember them to tell you guys?
Touché.
-M
Serious note:
Every Revenge of the Nerds sequel
Nightmare On Elm St. 2, 5, and 6
Friday the 13th 5, 8, 9, and X
Halloween 3 and the Rob Zombie bastardizations
Batman and Robin
Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
Titanic 2 (never seen either Titanic, but the sequel is a given on principal)
2 out of 3 Punisher movies
Now… I must admit that I am a fan of bad cinema. Raping story lines is a different issue however.
Do you like Rob Zombie’s other movies?
1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects? Yes
Lords of Salem was a little slow for me though. Still a cool movie however.
I definitely liked those three. The end of Lords of Salem could have been more clear, but I still really liked the movie overall. Great visual experience which was nice because I think 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects were more audible experiences in comparison. First Halloween I felt was too blunt and could have benefited from being slightly more subtle. I wanted to love it but could only like it.
I’m going to hazard a guess that the one Punisher movie you did like was the one with Dolph Lundgren.
-M
There is a sequel to Titanic???
I’d like to ignore The Last Airbender. I appreciate Shamalanagadingdong’s movies, and especially love Unbreakable (it’s better than the Sixth Sense), but TLA was a horrible adaptation. The animated series was great, and a live action movie could have worked, but it didn’t.
I do have a tendency to like movies that everyone else wishes they could forget though. For instance I love the entire Matrix trilogy, I don’t hate Episode 1, Speed Racer was excellent.