Earlier in the week I woke up to the television playing a making-of feature on Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I honestly thought I was dreaming, because this is the stupidest f*cking movie I’ve heard of in the last decade. I knew I wasn’t dreaming when one of the actresses said something along the lines of, “He was passionate about ending slavery, but he was also passionate about killing vampires.” The sheer stupidity of that comment woke me the hell up.
Is it really that hard to come up with an original plot and an original hero? Have things gotten so bad that we’re taking revered historical figures and placing them in asinine situations? I’m waiting for the sequel — John Adams: Werewolf Killer, which will be followed by Theodore Roosevelt and the Mummy’s Curse. In the immortal words of Randal Graves, “What the hell is wrong with this world?”